Right? Right?By Kent Shocknek


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I’m glad I put a qualifier in an earlier posting about the “Mugshot of the Month.” I’d said, the month was still young. Already that simple little line has paid off. 

David Davis  thought another guy who was approaching him as Davis  was getting his hair cut, was going to attack him. So the Stamford CT police report says Davis  beat him to the punch — or in this case scissors– and cut the guy. Cops picked up Davis, back at his pad. Other guy will be OK.

Don’t ask me why, but I’d say the interruption happened about exactly half-way through his haircut.

Comments (2)
  1. Will Campbell says:

    Half-ro!

  2. Dan says:

    To the writer: watch those long prepositional phrases. You separated your subject from your verb by two of them.You needed a comma just to pause from them. That is not fluid writing. Read this again with the prepositional phrases in parentheses:

    “David Davis thought another guy (who was approaching him) (as Davis was getting his hair cut), was going to attack him.”

    Just break it up into 2 sentences. “According to the police report, David Davis was getting his haircut as another man approached. Davis alleges that he thought that man was going to attack him.” Much less clunky. Also notice also how I added the police report at the beginning? Davis’ thoughts about the other man is presented as gospel in your version, when we don’t know for sure. I encourage you to keep editing yourself for more fluid sentences.