On my shift, there’s never time to hit the snooze button.  But I have never been able to figure out why the snooze button is so big, and the actual button to turn off the alarm –resetting for tomorrow, not disabling it for good– is so small.

And for anyone who cares; since oversleeping is not allowed on this shift, my secret is an old-fashioned clock radio on “94.7 the Wave” at 2:25 a.m., with my beeping  alarm-watch on the same nightstand, set as a back-up at 2:26.

I can’t promise that all of these are authentic (a church sign generator online is pretty hilarious), but having spent a couple of years in the Midwest and the South, I wouldnt bet against them being the real deal.

Actually, these are tame compared to some churches that really drive their points home hard.

More examples, at the always entertaining oddee.com.

Or we could go to the Lion Park:

This one, incredibly, doesn’t seem to be photoshopped:

(Photo sources: various, including Crocosaurus Cove, The Telegraph)

Or this one (This shouldn’t last long. -Ed.)

Or this (Ditto. -Ed.)

World leaders and police….

(The answer: Bulgaria, I think.)  I’d post more,  but I have to …uh…uh… do further research.  Let me get back to you.

(Photo sources include pictures from oddee.com)

The rose really sells it.  Next, the company that sells it, really sells it good with the Human Heart Jello Mold. (Just $6.95! Buy two!) I love the online sales pitch:  “…perfect for lovebirds, med school students, and aspiring cannibals.”

And for those who  are merely hungry,  what about  a Gummy Bear?  Just one. Just one, really really big Gummy Bear…. Amazon will sell it to you for $34.99.  5 pounds, if you were curious. (“But Mom! I only ate 1 Gummy Bear!”) 

Shop early and shop often: you don’t want to be left empty-handed on a day of such romance. And nothing says “I love you,” like a zombie, a jiggling human heart, or an edible bear.  And no, I don’t get a cut of sales. If I did, I’d charge more for the Jello Mold.

I love the “able to read your schedule” qualifier. But I’m no master at S.Y.M.

Personally, Id much rather my bedset had a more appetizing appearance:

Then there’s…. I’m not sure what you call this….

Uh, sweet dreams.

(Photos courtesy, oddee.com)

The London Daily Mail can be depended on to sink its teeth into the Next Big Thing, and doesn’t disappoint with its story about the dolls, the doll maker, and the rubes collectors who pay up to $1500, per doll.  Let me say that again: $1500 per doll.  Doll-maker  Shanine counts Sharon Osborne among her customers.

Curse the fates, that the gift-giving season already has passed. Check out the article on the link above, and the cool photography, courtesy the Caters News Agency. I wonder if the photographer got any sleep that night.

BTW: by my count, 3 puns only. My New Year’s Resolution, to show resrtaint  already is paying off…

The Jaktogo starts life as a smooshed-up bag, the size of gym bag, but when the airplane says your carry-on is too big, Voila! Whip it out, and start transferring the contents into your Jaktogo! Then, wear all your extra clothes and underwear and electronics on your person, as you glide into seat 22C.  Cost, apparently about $109.

I don’t have an economic interest in this product, nor as a responsible member of the CBS News organization am I allowed to make a commercial endorsement, but gee, even the models look happy to be a part of this exciting venture. (See below.) If only millions had known about Jaktogo in time to consider it as a thoughtful gift for traveling relatives and friends.

(Photos courtesy Jaktogo)

Before you say “Oh Kent, you’re so stuffy,”  ask yourself — would you wear meggings  if you’re a man; or, if you’re a woman, would you go out on a date with a megged-up guy.

Until such time, this will remain a megging-free zone.  Sorry Justin. BTW: the guy below– is he holding a murse?

A phrase that does not come to mind, looking at this picture:  “Bond, James Bond.”

(Photo courtesy Getty)

The Lancer line is a case in point: the Evolution looks like an only slightly dangerous cousin at the wedding, until you get in, buckle up, and hit the go-fast pedal. Mitsu has built these cars to fly (no surprise, coming from a company that’s made airplanes for decades). The Evo is one of only two cars in which I’ve almost become car-sick…. as a driver. And that’s a good thing. It’s a kick to toss around: it’s hard to believe how much performance you can wring out of it, on a skid pad.

 

Next up, look for the 2014 Mitsubishi Outlander, which debuted at the L.A. Auto Show. It’s not a sports car, but it’s a couple hundred pounds lighter than the 2013 model, so it should have better performance.  And having spent time in the ’13, that’s good news. the ’13 was a decent driver, but the new model appears to be vastly improved, and will arrive next year with engine options, from a 2.4 litre 4, to a 224 hp V-6. Eventually, look for a plug-in hybrid as well.  It’s not clear what it’ll cost yet… this year’s version  starts just north of $23K.

Again, where were these cars 20 years ago? Oh yeah, the technology to make them either didn’t exist, or cost tens of thousands of dollars more.

(Photos courtesy manufacturer)

 

But there are companies that are rising to the challenge.  A couple of them feature prominently at the L.A. Auto Show. First, Mazda, which is  famous for its vehicle grilles that look like its cars are smiling. Look now, because the grin is going away, and that’s a good thing. After years of partnership with Ford, Mazda is now on its own.  Mazda last year introduced its new CUV, the CX-5; a start-from-scratch family hauler that looks good, and performs better. The AWD Grand Touring  version would be perfect for taking up to a ski weekend at Arrowhead.  It’s very comfortable to take on a long drive, with enough spirit to keep the driver engaged.

As a follow-up, this year, Mazda has debuted its new Mazda6, the company’s new mid-size 4-door, that will try to carve out a space for itself in one of the most competitive segments of the industry (think Accord, Corolla, Fusion, Optima, Malibu).  Starting  around $21K,  the Mazda 6 looks, feels and sounds far more expensive. New styling shows a cabin, pushed back on the body, to make it look rear-wheel drive (it’s not).

Both Mazdas use the company’s new “SkyActiv” technology — design-speak for lighter parts, more efficient engines, better mileage and better handling. Whatever, it works.  

And for all those who say such main-streaming puts Mazda at risk of losing its iconic zoom-zoom status, good news: they’re not messing with the Miata. Sorry, “MX-5″  (but always a Miata in our hearts). Or, not messing with it much. A limited Special Edition takes the most successful roadster in the world, and gives it an automatic retractable hardtop, premium and suspension packages, and sends it out the door. That this car still is such a hoot to drive, after more than 30 years in production,  is a testament to Mazda’s dedication to keeping driving fun.  –And hopefully a sign it will continue to do so, for many years more.

(Photos courtesy manufacturer)

The Kia Optima checks all the right boxes for a 4/5 passenger midsize 4-door. It looks aggressive, edgy, solid, and strong: all characteristics, the car itself exhibits. Good move; and one that’s mirrored even in the line’s most-modest offering, the economical little Rio:

And my favorite, the Rio 5-door SX, a steal at around $18K :

Keep an eye on Kia. It’s design cues (car language) will make it worthwhile.

(Photos courtesy manufacturer)

This year, so far, I haven’t seen a lot of costumes in bad taste. I’m sure they’re out there: I just haven’t seen them yet. The usual ‘ripped from today’s headlines’- stuff. You know the type. All I can say is, I’m glad Felix Baumgartner landed safely, for a number of reasons.

(May be hard to read: “I sit and stare at people blankly, making them extremely uncomfortable”)

(Source: oddee.com)

How ticked-off would you be, the first time someone told you your angry message had one slight little problem?  I’m guessing, angrier. This young man –or woman, I can’t tell– is not smiling. ( If it’s too small, it says “Only God will juge me.”)

But worst of all, would be making a statement that you’re a really tough dude. Maybe the toughest dude in all Chi-Tonw. Which I assume is somewhere near Chi-Town, which is near Chicago. Or Chicgaco.

 (Source: oddee.com)

On some of these, I’m not even gonna ask how they happened….  Look below all these impossible to format around delightful sponsorships, to see more. (Is that a Ferrari under that Ford? -Ed.)

(Above — looks like San Francisco. I hope it’s not the entrance to Lombard Street.)

there are said to be more logic-deying pictures at auto.ifeng.com, but when I tried to link to it, it took forever to open, so I gave up, and can’t vouch for it.

On this one, I like the ‘nom nom nom.’

 (Photo source: oddee.com , one of the greatest time-wasters research sites, ever invented for the web.)

So whose bright idea was it, to call the shuttles “Flying Brickyards”? We may never find out ‘who’,  but the real reason is less sinister than the title sounds.

Actually, there are two reasons:

#1, The shuttle does indeed drop like a brick. If your standard commercial flight descends at a rate of about “1 foot down, for every 22 feet forward,” the shuttle plummets in at “1 foot down, for every 4 feet forward.”  Roller-coaster drops, anyone?

#2, Shuttles are covered in those protective heat tiles, making-up the orbitors’ “Thermal Protection System.”  — They were designed to keep the Shuttle from burning up on re-entry. Every shuttle had its underside and wing-edges covered in these tiles that were about the size of a brick (but a fraction of the weight). “Flying Brickyard.” Get it? It would take one worker, one day, to put on one tile. They were extremely delicate, and I remember hanging around the Kennedy Space Center’s Orbitor Processing Facility, when they’d get word that one was broken, or damaged, or late, or didn’t fit. Problems with the tiles were one of two big issues, leading to delays in the first flight in 1981. (The other was the main-engine system.)

Good and bad, it was always exciting reporting on the Space Shuttle program. (See plucky young reporter at KSC’s Launch Control Center, above). Where else could you be paid for nosing around inside the shuttles? But I still wish they’d come up with a better nickname than Flying Brickyard.

Welcome home, Endevour.

In Great Britain, local authorities sent an underage kid into 22 stores to buy liquor. Most didn’t check for his age, but six that did, still sold it to him, even though he didn’t remotely resemble cartoon character Bobby Hill.

At least sometimes the system works: ask Brazilian Ricardo Freire de Barros… what a Joker…

He wrote (allegedly -Ed.) “Robbing a house! LMAO — I’ll never get caught!!!!!”  (See above — if you can read it.) Well, we could tell he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, when he confused the word ‘robbing,’ with ‘burgling,’ or ‘burglarizing.’  But what really landed him in his current sorry state, is that … 

…he forgot to log out, when he was done (allegedly -Ed.)  The resident comes home, figures out what happened, and Mr. Parker now has extra time to work on his grammar. And his computer skills.

I’m conflicted: on one hand, I’m deeply offended by the obvious racism of such a ploy as this.  How dare they think I’m smart, just because I’m a white guy ? On the other hand, I am smart enough to know I’d love to sit around and play on the computer all day, and get paid for not actually doing anything productive. (Insert your joke here. -Ed.)

I’m not sure how you get one of these jobs:  I’m not sure what would look good on a resume. If you have some insider knowledge, let me know. But I probably won’t read your email, because my computer’s screen is frozen on the 8th level of Bejeweled. And if that doesn’t qualify me for the job, I don’t know what does.

(What exactly is a ‘dog guardian?’ -Ed.)

(Photo source: oddee.com)

Let’s review:  Daniel Castillo is playing  in Jamaica Bay, when his engine quits. He gets to shore, walks  around a bit… past a couple of runways, hops over a security fence,  wanders past an electronic security system (Lights! Cameras! Sensors!), and into a terminal.

The security people are shocked; shocked! This system has been billed as ‘state of the art.’  It’s so good, they use it at other airports. Except, apparently, it doesn’t work.

Is it fair they’re arresting the man who –apparently inadvertently– demonstrated that the ‘emperor has no clothes’? His name’s not BinLaden, it’s Castillo. He should be getting an award. But don’t hold your breath, Daniel.

Said it before, I’ll say it again. Ewwwwwww. But if you’ve read this far, you’ll want to know it gets still worser better-er:  the contest is part of a fund-raiser for a school pig hunt.  Good God, these people have a very specific mindset about their animals. Of course there’s been a huge backlash online:  several comments,  involving the word ‘sick.’  For her part, the principal reminds that “Animals aren’t the only species who are dressed up after they die. We do it to humans too.”  Also, the pig-hunt fund-raiser reportedly raised $8,000– twice what everybody expected.  Look out, pigs.

In New York’s East Village, Adam Ruhf and Alexander Venet have opened the Molecule Water Cafe, where New York City tap water is run through a –according to the write-up–  “complex seven-step process… that uses UV light, ozone treatments, and reverse osmosis”  to turn ordinary tap water into ordinary tap water that’s been run through UV light, ozone treatments, and reverse osmosis. And costs $2.50.

My favorite line, from an article that appears on odditycentral.com, reads “The owners say so far none of those who have tried Molecule water has complained about the taste.”  High praise, indeed.

But exhaustive research (read: Google searching Cremation Solutions -Ed.) has turned things a bit more disquieting.  Photographs show how  mourners apparently can unscrew the deceased’s head, and store things other than ashes. In this example, it appears we’re seeing a candle,and some plastic flowers.

And then there’s this. Head held high, the company reminds that we don’t have to use our own faces, we can use the faces of others. Says the web page: “…your loved one or favorite celebrity or hero, even President Obama!” (Exclamation point, theirs.)

Hmmmmmmmm. Ooooooooooooo-kayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I’m wondering if it’s right to use an image of the still-living leader of the free world, as a selling point for a head on a plate? I’m thinking no. Yes, I’m aware there are 2-thousand jokes that could be made from both sides of the aisle.  I will let others tell them. Instead I will sit here wagging my finger, and telling Cremation Solutions “Tsk tsk.”

It is a nice likeness though.

Moving on quickly: there’s,  –uh… this guy:

Green Spandex Man, and friend, Invisible-against-the-background Man:

R2-D Kitty. I think.

And (What the Hell? -Ed.)

And we leave you with Princess Leia,  when she was the harem slave of that Banana Slug guy in Star Wars V (maybe– they’re all the same to me). Or maybe it’s Xena. Or I Dream of Jeannie. You be the judge. And may the Force be with you. 

(Photo source, and a big tip o’ the Fedora to oddee.com)

$1, and a cup under the nozzle (That must be an attractive sound. -Ed.), and you’re in biz. The chicken gravy only takes two seconds, to drip on top. Gizmodo makes the legitimate point that you should be able to get just the chicken gravy, if you want. If you see one of these devices in So Cal, I want to drop $5 or $6, just to see how horrible the concept of dining has become know about it, for the sake of science.  Top it off with an adjacent Slurpee, and stick a fork in me, I’m done.

(Hard to read, but it says “The NAKED truth about our WAITRESSES is that they only FLIRT WITH YOU to get better tips” The one below says FREE wifi  great BEER

(Photo source: oddee.com)

Bro’ is a roller-coaster of a ride through the world of freestyle motocross riding, starring real life superstars Beau Manley and Colin “Scummy” Morrison.  Their stunt riding is astonishing.  But  Bro’ has an equally captivating story: an unworldly college boy falls to the lure of the lifestyle, including the money, the women, and the violence; then has to figure out what to do. Long-time fan favorite Danny Trejo stars. He is Hollywood’s go-to guy when productions want to cast the meanest, most tattooed, toughest star. Umm, Trejo does not play the college boy.  And know this, going in: this is a film with most of the things the MPAA warns you about.

What I love most about Bro’ is director-writer Nick Parada’s obvious passion for his job. He puts the audience right on the handlebars for some of the most insane stunt riding you could expect to see. His expertise in the sport –and the craft of film-making–  is obvious. Big -time Hollywood will find him soon. See Bro’ now, and you can say you saw him first.

The entire budget of the  independent film Bro’  was probably dwarfed by the craft-services budget for Spidey, but so what?:  when you see something with this much energy in front of-, and behind- the camera, you’ll remember why movies are fun.  

 Bro’ now is showing  at AMC Norwalk 20 in Norwalk,  Laemmle Boulevard Cinemas in Lancaster, and  AMC Ontario Mills 30 in Ontario.  Link to trailer (that has a lot of the words they don’t teach in school), here.  Full disclosure: I may sound like a cheerleader, but I don’t have a dog in this fight. However, if they ever make a sequel and need an off-camera newscaster to warn people about something, I can make a recommendation.

Why is a cold-fighting product sponsoring a luncheon that involves a red carpet? Who is the Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, and why — if she probably has her own castle, back in the old country — does she have to shill for this, or any product? Why am I on this PR agency’s mailing list?  But it’s all worthwhile, once I read the key quote in the  press release:

“Because of long taping schedules and many interviews, appearances and performances, it’s absolutely necessary to always have this cold remedy on hand because a scratchy throat can hinder a busy life.”

Oh. Now I feel much better.  I just wish she’d told me where I could buy some: even if I don’t have a cold.

(Photo source: oddee.com)

Something called Austinist.com offers a straight-forward explanation, from which I’ve already stolen the Chuck E. Cheese joke. But let’s be serious. I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea: parents have to be there, the kids learn range safety, and –hopefully– some respect for the power of the real thing, instead of an image on-screen that lets you push ‘reset.’

Of course, there will be backlash… probably from the parents who fight with other parents at Chuck E. Cheese. I hope they don’t plan their parties at this venue.   But if you still aren’t sold, I am willing to point out one thing about the accompanying picture that makes me uneasy. It appears to me that rifle-toting #59 in this picture… who clearly is not a lone gunman… is aiming toward the street… where cars go by… just on the other side of that grassy knoll… there in Dallas.   Just sayin’.

(Photo source: austinlist.com)