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The Fab Mom On 2: How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids

Now that school is out and summer is here, the kids might be home more and parents might be losing patience quicker than usual.

According to a study previously published in the Wall Street Journal, three out four parents scream at their kids at least once a month.

Additional studies have shown a variety of findings concerning parents and shouting; that 8-year-olds whose parents yell have less satisfying romantic relationships at the age of 23 (per a 15-year study by assistant professor Stephanie Parade at Brown University), as well as finding that teens who have parents who use "harsh verbal discipline" also have higher cases of depression (per a 2014 University of Pittsburgh study led by assistant professor Ming-Te Wang).

Here are 3 tricks to try in an effort to stop yelling at our kids:

  1. Remind yourself of their age. Anger and frustration lead to yelling, and frustration often happens when expectations aren't met. Parents can count to 10 or take a deep breath and remind ourselves: toddlers' brains aren't fully developed and neither are teenagers' brains! Biology tells us that the brain's frontal lobes, which handle decision-making and risk assessment, aren't yet fully developed during adolescent years, which might account for your teenagers' mood swings or poor decisions.
  2. Find your magic phrase. Decide on a code word or phrase with your child during a time when things aren't heated -- something that they know, if and when they hear it, that signals to them you mean business. It can be as simple as a tap on the shoulder or the words, "May I have your attention please." Have your child have a say or part in creating and deciding on it with you. If they become a part of the problem-solving solution, they're more likely to adhere to it.
  3. Take your kids out on dates. Dr. Inga Simonian, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist in Studio City and Pasadena suggests focusing on "time-in's" and not "time-out's" to proactively restore connectivity and get back on track, even if the parent and child aren't getting along well. "When your child misbehaves, chances are he or she is feeling disconnected from you, missing you, feeling not important. Time-in's can be as short as a few minutes to an entire date between parent and child. Alone dates can do wonders for understanding each other."

The good news?

Many family and childhood psychologists agree that all yelling isn't bad. While increased volume can get kids' attention, the potential long-term damage mostly lies in how parents or caregivers might personalize hot button issues with kids. Avoid making the issue about the child's shortcomings. Experts suggest that instead of saying, "Why can't you remember to pick up your clothes? are you dense?" try "I see your clothes piled on the ground and I don't like it. I've asked you to clean up how many times and I expect it to happen ... now."

Dr. Simonian also suggests that parents be conscious of caring for themselves to prevent constant angry eruptions. "If you are yelling a lot, you are probably exhausted."

Remember this mantra: Time-in for your child, time-out for yourself!

Jill Simonian is a Parenting Lifestyle Contributor, appearing on CBS Los Angeles every Wednesday on News at 5pm and Friday mornings at 6:30am. Her personal blog is TheFabMom.com. Follow Jill on Twitter @jillsimonian and connect with her on Facebook.

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