Valentine’s (or as Mr. Hefner might punctuate it, Valentines’) Day is next week.  Let’s review this year’s most appropriate gifts, starting with the Zombie Cupid ($14.95). I’m told no two are exactly alike. Imagine.

The rose really sells it.  Next, the company that sells it, really sells it good with the Human Heart Jello Mold. (Just $6.95! Buy two!) I love the online sales pitch:  “…perfect for lovebirds, med school students, and aspiring cannibals.”

And for those who  are merely hungry,  what about  a Gummy Bear?  Just one. Just one, really really big Gummy Bear…. Amazon will sell it to you for $34.99.  5 pounds, if you were curious. (“But Mom! I only ate 1 Gummy Bear!”) 

Shop early and shop often: you don’t want to be left empty-handed on a day of such romance. And nothing says “I love you,” like a zombie, a jiggling human heart, or an edible bear.  And no, I don’t get a cut of sales. If I did, I’d charge more for the Jello Mold.